support is pretty cool...

I'm working on setting my mind to the positive things about South Africa and my service here. This is a really stressful time, waiting for a new assignment. Thursday night, the night before I went and moved everything out of my home, I received an SMS (text message) from our Peace Corps Medical Officer. She's amazingly compassionate and thoughtful, and the message said "you're doing the right thing". I needed that reminder. This is a hard time but I do feel like I'm doing the right thing.

As I pulled away from my house in Majemantsho in a Peace Corps truck loaded with everything I own I started crying. Feel free to call me a whimp but it was sad, okay? ANYWAY, the Peace Corps driver who was with me turned and quoted (loosely) the crimethink poster I had above my bed. He smiled and said, "Erin, your life is your life". It was surreal to have a kind hearted middle aged South African man quote an anarchist poem to me, but it was so perfect.

Now I"m at Megan's. We went for an long run this morning (1:45:25 for about 18k... Dave I thought you'd want to know) as a part of our training for Longtom. Being here with her is fun and our conversations have helped me readjust to the idea that I'm starting anew soon and I've got some experiences under my belt to bring with me.

Yesterday I got letters form a bunch of people, and amazingly supportive emails from even more people. Really, Aunt Vicki, you have no idea how much it means to me to get so many letters from you!

All of this reminds me I have really good support from a lot of different people. I'm so grateful for that.

The other night there was a PCV staying at the hostel with me who was on his way home after more than 2 years of service here. I was telling him about my situation and he asked me what was next for me. I laughed and said I guessed I had a lot of waiting ahead of me. He clarified by asking me if I was thinking of going home. I'm not. After thinking about it for awhile I kept coming back to an incident that happened about a week and a half ago...

I was walking home from school when a group of kids started walking with me. I asked them what they did at school and they told me they learned multiplication. I started quizzing them and it became clear they didn't understand multiplication at all. So we stopped right there in the middle of the road (roads aren't exactly busy in the village) and I put a bunch of rocks in a big pile. Then I taught the kids that 4x3 just means three groups of four. I had them make three groups of four and we counted the rocks to find our answer. Then we made four groups of three and discovered it gave us the same answer (okay, I already knew that... but it's called discovery learning!). We did a few more problems in this way, taking the abstract notion of multiplication and making it concrete for these ten kids in the dusty road. I didn't want to ruin their excitement by pushing the lesson too far so I gathered up my stuff and was getting ready to leave when one of the kids shyly said, "Mistress Refilwe, will you teach us division?" Can you imagine kids asking you to teach them division after school? These kids are so hungry for knowledge. So we continued with the rocks, dividing 12 rocks into 3 groups and so on. They weren't exactly ready for algebra by the time we were done but almost all the kids present had a way better understanding of what multiplication and division are. It was fun. It was fulfilling. It was one of the best Peace Corps moments I've had.

I take moments like that with me to my new village. I can't leave now. Not when I know there are more moments like that to come. Peace Corps can be really hard. Living in rural South Africa isn't exactly a safari vacation. Sometimes I miss home so much and feel like I'm making so little headway I think about calling it quits and coming back to the US. Right now, though, I know I have more of these moments to give. I have more experiences to learn from. I have 18 more months of living to do here before it's time for me to pack up (again) and head home.

silver linings...

Peace Corps has decided to pull me from my site for security reasons. This means I'm moving. Right now this means I'm in Pretoria in a sort of PCV purgatory waiting for a new site.

I'm really torn about moving. Part of me feels guilty for leaving my schools. Part of me is really sad because my host family was amazing and I will miss them terribly. Part of me is freaked out because I'm back to square one, I have no idea where I will be living for the next 18 months. Then again I keep reminding myself I can really make a lot of a new start. I already have experience so maybe I won't make the same mistakes twice. It will be exciting to meet new people and settle into a new place. At least that's what I've been telling myself all day.

I hadn't realized how stressed I had become about safety in my village. I hadn't realized how much it was wearing on me to feel unsafe every time I left the house. Really, I hadn't even let myself recognize I felt unsafe when I left the house. I wanted so badly for everything to be okay so I could continue doing the work I was doing at my schools. I'm learning I need to start taking care of myself, it can't always be about the needs of everyone else.

I'm just going to keep looking for the silver lining and roll with this adventure.