2.20.2009

Miles to go before I sleep...

By the time I came home from school it was about five and the golden evening had set in. The evenings here are lovely beyond description, with everything just a little warmer looking and cooler feeling. When I got home my host family was sitting in the yard. The adults were enjoying the evening and the kids were enjoying the attention of the adults. As I walked up Ma pointed to a chair and I sat down. Kgosi was cutting a watermelon and handing out pieces to everyone, including me. We chatted about the weather, the rain (that’s a different subject than the weather in rural South Africa), the kids, the livestock, and other news of the day. My host sister Barbara and I talked a bit about the HIV and STI prevention work she’s doing in our community. Mostly, though, we just sat with each other enjoying the time together. It was a magical hour, comfortable and laced with my understanding that few outsiders ever get this sort of daily intimacy with people living in rural villages. It was a precious reminder that I am very lucky to be living as I am.

I’ve been having a hard time personally in the last few months. I’ve been struggling with some anxiety. Earlier this week, in the midst of quite a bit of internal turmoil, I realized I want to be here. In fact, I love my life here. Life here has been really hard for me for a number of reasons I’ve shared with many of you but in the end I feel very sure that the hardship has been and will continue to be worth it. My life is peppered not only with wonderful moments like this evening, but also with hard working people who are doing their best to make their worlds better. My life here is made up of challenge, frustration, surprising moments of accomplishment and lots of reminders that this is the life I wish to be leading.

I got lost for a while. Honestly, I got scared. I was afraid that I was losing myself. Now I feel like I’ve turned a corner and found that I’m not only still the person I want to be, but even closer to perfecting that person. I’ve got “miles to go before I sleep”, but this effort to be true to who I want to be and what I believe is what I want my life to be made of.

I feel recommitted to my service and to myself. It’s a good feeling.
Thanks to all of you who helped me to get to this point.


The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-Robert Frost (Excerpt from "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening")